I'd venture to bet most of us fall into the trap of measuring the success of date-night by how your partner reacts. (Yep, hand's up)
If they’re smiling, laughing, and clearly having a great time, we feel like we nailed it. But what if they’re tired, distracted, or just not feeling their best?
Or, what if {gasp} we got into a fight?
Was date-night a failure?
Not at all.
Here’s a fresh take: what if I evaluate my date-night success based on how I showed up - in designing it and being there - rather than looking to your partner’s reaction?
Let’s break it down:
Step 1: Decide Who You Want to Be
Take a moment to think about how you want to show up during date-night. Are you aiming to be more attentive? More playful? Or maybe just fully present? Choose one key area you’d like to grow in over the next couple of months. (Or year... dating is a long-game)
For example, let’s say you want to improve your ability to connect. You might break it into smaller chunks, like:
- Spending 5 minutes fully listening without distractions.
- Bringing up one topic you know your partner enjoys.
- Deciding on what you most want to give.
Step 2: Rate Your Own Success
Now, define three ways you’ll measure whether you succeeded—without depending on your partner’s response. For instance:
- Did I plan to give to them in some way?
- Did I make an effort to understand my partner’s day or mood?
- Did I follow through on one thing I planned to do?
Notice how none of these depend on your partner’s behavior.
Step 3: Practice Detachment with Love
Paradoxically, when you approach date-night with the intention of being your best self—without the pressure of needing anything in return—it often creates a more relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere for both of you.
This isn’t about ignoring your partner’s needs. And, it doesn't mean you can't listen to them and change your approach; on a given night or over time. It’s about doing your best and finding joy in giving without attachment to the outcome.
Ready to Try It?
Take a few minutes to decide on your own “success indicators” for date-night. Experiment with them for your next three dates and see how it shifts the energy and connection between you and your partner.
As a bonus, combine this with the pre-date-night "2-minute drill" and remind yourself immediately beforehand how you'll rate success.
As always, think of these ideas and suggestions as a starting point. How can you make it your own; what's the nugget within or the twist on it that jumps out for you?
And, we’d love to hear how your “selfish” date-night went! Info@dateboxclub or @dateboxclub on "the socials"
